I’ve been thinking a lot about the “call to ministry”. So many times we are told that ministry is a calling, but this often makes me question if I am actually called to ministry. Am I supposed to be leading people in worship of any kind? I lead musical worship at Roosevelt Community Church, and I love expressing songs to God in new and different ways. I want to introduce people to worship in even more ways, but I sometimes come back to the question, “am i called to ministry?”
How can anyone really feel that they are called to ministry? I wonder if we went wrong when we began thinking that we had to be perfect in order to “work for Jesus”. What I mean is, I wonder if we put such a high expectation on people as ministers that we forget that they are human – that they are just as susceptible to sin as anybody else. I have a relationship with God, but I find myself looking at women a little longer than I really should, not praying as much as I can, and sometimes even thinking thoughts of an extremely malicious and violent nature toward other people. I want a house and I secretly become jealous when at friends houses. I listen to and enjoy music that is degrading toward women, glorifies drugs and alcohol, but I tell kids not to listen to it. I want children but feel that I can’t afford them and don’t trust God enough that he will provide for me and my family. I have no other skills other than musician/warehouse worker, so what am I to do? Am I called to ministry?
What about a person qualifies them to be working at a church? is it their knowledge of Jesus and the Bible? is it their management skills? is it the way that they pray in prayer circles or on stage? I enjoy reading people like Kierkegaard, Barth, and Donald Miller more than I enjoy reading people like Paul, John, or Moses. I do have extensive knowledge about the Bible, but I don’t read it as I have been taught in my enlightened circles; in fact, I read it quite differently than I have been taught. Maybe I’ve got it wrong. Maybe snippet scriptures will teach better than the narrative. I enjoy leading prayer through the book of common prayer or through scripture before trying to think of one of my own prayer off the top of my head. And also, I wonder if maybe managing people will build worshippers more than relational contact. Maybe by telling people to “feed themselves”, this will bring them closer to their “personal Jesus” and save me time and allow me to manage people more thoroughly. I always thought that it was the heart of the person, not their administrative skills. Anyone who knows me, knows that administration is not my strong point – am I called to ministry?
I really do love working at a church, because it allows me to use my creativity for the glory of Jesus. With this, I am able to see people worship in new and different ways than they are used to. I am also allowed to challenge people to think about their faith and what they believe. I myself become so upset and feel ripped off sometimes because I’ve been told that Jesus is happy and clappy but never upset. I’ve been taught how to rejoice, but never how to mourn properly. I’ve been taught in my christian upbringing that Jesus saves but not what he saves me from exactly – am I called to ministry?
Maybe I’m too cynical for ministry. Maybe I question too much. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, but deep down inside I feel something telling me that I am totally wrong for the job. I feel these attacks on my heart saying, “you are really good at sinning and not good at teaching people to love jesus.” I just feel the need to ask these questions once in a while. this is my confession of minstry.